Saturday, December 31, 2016, 10:45 AM
I think I’ve watched so many movies my life has turned into one. Or maybe it hasn’t and I’ve only watched so many movies I’ve come to see things from a movie-ish angle. But what I do know for sure is that the amount of literary more-likely-to-happen-in-movies-than-in-real-life irony, emotional mayhem and cosmic maelstroms this year has brought into my life is unbelievably impossibly high.
I know it’s crazy and unfair to be angry at a year; I mean, a year is just a number on the calendar after all and it’s not like things will magically turn around when the clock strikes midnight but man needs something to take all the anger, desperation and sadness out on and I simply chose to take it all out on the year. If you know me well, you’re probably aware of all the grudge I have for 2016 already and if you know me too well, then you sure as hell know how subdued, defeated and worn out this year has left me; hence, you hopefully understand how legitimate it is for me to hate it.
And here I am, on the last morning of this vicious villainous year…it’s a beautiful December Saturday morning. The sun is up. Streets are decorated. Everyone is in a festive mood. Christmas songs are playing everywhere. And it all gets me to think about this one item on my last year’s resolution list: “Make amends”. I only wanted to make amends with those whom I’d lost contact with yet held a special place in my heart but never had I ever thought I’d wind up making amends with an entire year! But I have to. Right here, right now on this beautiful sunny morning; I have to let go of all the grudge and just make amends.
I’m not the kind person that turns her back on all the good stuff and decides to only see the darkness; so I’d just spare you, and my conscience, the “count your blessings” lecture because I do see my blessings, I have counted them a gazillion times and this is probably the only reason I’m surviving all the way up to December 31st. Thing is, it’s just too hard when you have all your insecurities, fears, emotional vulnerabilities hitting you in the face one after the other. When life gives you a ferocious backbreaker offering you hope then taking it away the very next day. It’s just too wearying when your patience and faith are simultaneously being tested; when you’re face-to-face with the possibility of every principal, every idea you’ve held on to and full-heartedly defended turning out to be an illusion…an idealist fantasy.
This year, I got to experience heartbreak in so many forms. I got to finally know how loneliness feels like after 25 glorious years of mastering the craft of being alone but never lonely. I got to watch life turn around for others and accept the fact that it’s not my turn yet (no envy, self-victimization, self-pity or any hard feelings involved, I swear). I had to take up being underestimated, underappreciated and misunderstood. I had to live with the idea of my being a big fat disappointment cosmically signified in a pained look on my mom’s face, in the caring blame of friends I’d failed to be there for, in a rejection letter, a performance report, my underachieved resolution list…in the mirror. There’s nothing heroic about that, truth be told. I know it’s all my fault (it has to be, partially at least) and I’m willing to take on all the consequences. I like to believe screwing up is part of growing up after all. That, my being a huge disappointment on account of majestically screwing up, that had absolutely nothing to do with how I feel about the year.
What has made this year viciously villainous in every possible way is how it wouldn’t give me a legitimate break. How it proudly refused to show me a sign, just one sign, that things are gonna be alright no matter how hard I’d begged for one. And when it finally did decide to come around and reveal one to me, it would just ferociously take it away so fast leaving me worn out, defeated and heartbroken.
But we’re here to make amends, right? We’re here to throw all the grudge behind our backs and turn over a new leaf, aren’t we?
Well, I think I’m ready to do it. Despite all the bitterness, the heartbreak, the anger the year is leaving me with, I’m ready to press on, push ahead a bit farther, wait for my sign or even my moment of glory, believe I’m gonna have it one of those days even when the horizon holds no signs whatsoever it’s happening any time soon. I’m ready to count my blessings (and misfortunes), push my luck, breathe, live, laugh, cry, be grateful, eat dessert, drink coffee and maybe even start on that long-forgotten dream of a book.
I’m ready to let go, or so I will pretend…until the year is ancient history.